What the frak?
by Tol Eressea
Summary: Commander Adama and co land on a strange planet and encounter some unusual weaponry. Meanwhile, Starbuck has crash landed apart from the others and is encountering problems of her own... To be taken with a humorous grain of salt!
1. Chapter 1

**Note: This takes place around the time of season 1.**

"Tell the Vipers to fire," said Commander Adama calmly.

Colonel Tigh and Apollo looked at him askance but said nothing. This was a city that posed no immediate threat to the fleet and who had given no signs of animosity towards their presence. In fact, the city was on a planet that had an atmosphere similar to Caprica, and the current inhabitants lived on maybe ¼ of the land of the planet—if they played their cards right and made friendly motions towards the city, they would probably be able to stay there comfortably for some time.

However, Adama was looking impatient at the others' inaction, so Dualla adjusted her headset and said, "Open fire." Over the intercom the crew could hear the sounds of explosions. Dualla cringed—there were no ships defending the city, and they could hear the fighters detailing the havoc they were wreaking upon this defenseless city. After a few excruciating minutes, the Vipers began making their way back to the Galactica, their work completed.

As they were beginning to dock, Dualla suddenly called out, "There's an incoming transmission from an unidentified ship. It's 7 clicks away and maintaining its position."

"I'll speak to it," Adama said, smiling and reaching for the phone.

"Thanks for getting rid of Robotron's city for us, Commander!" a juvenile voice squeaked over the phone.

"Anytime, Nitro. Hey, how's Admiral Spaceship doing?"

Dualla and Apollo exchanged confused glances, and Apollo mouthed the words Admiral Spaceship? in confusion to Dualla. Who was Adama talking to, and why did he sound so…happy? He never sounded this delighted.

"He's given up laser cats, Adama. I don't know what to do, man," said the person on the phone.

"Let me talk to him, I'm sure I can talk some sense into him."

"Sweet! Hey dude, why don't you and your friends come down to Neu Jorck and help us find a plan to beat Dr. Scientist? I bet that hot Asian chick can help change Admiral Spaceship's mind."

"Will do. I'll see you shortly." Adama hung up the phone, smiling, but when he looked up at the bemused crew he was sporting his traditional harried look once more. "Are all the Vipers back?" he asked.

"Yes sir," said Apollo. "If you don't mind my asking, who…was that who you were talking to just now?"

"An old friend. We're going to visit him now, and if we can help him, we may be able to stay in Neu Jorck for some time," Adama replied. "Now let's get a move on: we're following that ship you identified earlier."

Once the command was spread across the fleet, they began following the small cruiser Adama had been communicating with. As they turned and began heading for the planet, Apollo went to the loading dock to tell Starbuck about the strange things Adama had been saying, but when he looked around he didn't see her.

"Where's Starbuck?" Apollo asked Boomer, pulling her aside.

"She's still out flying," she said. "She was having fun flying that captured Cylon raider and wanted to work on some more maneuvers. Why?"

"Why?" cried Apollo incredulously. "Because we're landing on that planet out there and we need to have everyone together! We can't have Starbuck wandering around out there in a ship she can't even completely control yet!" With that, he stormed off in a huff.

_Meanwhile, on Starbuck's captured raider…_

Starbuck gulped as she saw the fleet beginning descent onto the planet they had just attacked. What was going on? She tried to contact the Galactica, but apparently the communication systems were not properly functioning yet, because she was getting no response. She had no choice but to follow the fleet and hope her ship was up to the challenge. It was necessary to keep a safe distance from the rest of the fleet as she began her descent, so as to not risk hurting any other ships if something went wrong with her own.

Everything was going smoothly, until she entered the thicker part of the atmosphere of the planet. Her controls switched off with no warning. She began frantically pressing any button she thought would help, but it was to no avail. As she tumbled to the planet, out her window she could see a vast ocean below her, but as she got closer she saw two tiny islands next to each other surrounded by water. She began desperately steering for those, and prayed to the gods she would make it.

**Author's note: As you can tell, parts of this are a bit tongue in cheek, but I hope you enjoy the way my mind makes up stories! Reviews would be lovely.**


	2. Chapter 2

As the Galactica and crew landed on this strange planet, all aboard marveled at the simplistic elements of the society they were observing. There were no ships to be seen, and it appeared that, as a mode of transportation, the people solely used transports that could not fly and emitted a great deal of pollution. A good number of them also appeared to be carrying some sort of animal around with them.

"Are they carrying cats?" Dualla asked in confusion.

"Yes," said Adama. "Apollo, Colonel Tigh, I want you two to come with me. Everyone else is ordered to stay on board until further notice."

"Yes sir," said Tigh, then looked around. "Where's Apollo?"

"He's not here?" said Adama. "Where the frak is he?"

Just then, Apollo entered the room. "Sorry, I was at the landing bay. Are you aware that Starbuck is MIA?" he said.

"We don't have time for that now," said Adama distractedly. "You and Tigh are coming with me to talk to Nitro. Let's go."

"But Starbuck…"

"Commander Adama said go, captain," said Tigh with a suppressed grin. Nothing would make him happier than losing Starbuck.

For the moment, Apollo was stuck, so he reluctantly followed Adama and Tigh to explore this strange new world. Once they stepped off the spaceship, a man who looked to be maybe in his early 20s ran up to Adama. He raised his right hand as if to strike him, and Apollo reached for his gun, but Adama simply raised his hand and struck the youth's hand. Apollo realized that that must have been some arcane greeting, for the youth said, "Right on, dude! What's up?"

"I am fine, thank you. Are you and Spaceship holding up all right? It seems that whenever I talk to you Neu Jorck is always under some kind of threat," Adama said.

"You gotta get that Asian chick to talk to him, Adama—I know she'll convince him," the youth replied, then glanced at Tigh and Apollo. "Who are they?"

'Oh, pardon me for not introducing them—this is Colonel Tigh and Captain Lee Adama, my son. Everyone calls him Apollo, though," said Adama, gesturing to each as he said their names. "Colonel, Captain: this is Nitro. We're here to help him with an enemy who has been plaguing them and the princess of their land."

_Meanwhile, on an island in the middle of the ocean…_

Starbuck exited her raider and surveyed the damage: it actually wasn't that bad. She had managed to get her ship under some semblance of control before landing, so hopefully only minor repairs would be required to get it functional again. Unfortunately, the communication system was still out, and she had been unable to radio the Galactica yet, though hopefully some people had noted her absence. She would have to make a judgment call to decide whether to try and fix the radio before looking for the others or not.

With a heavy sigh, she finally took a look at where she had landed. There was no sign of life or civilization on the island. It seemed to be comprised mostly of dense forest; the warm temperature was nice, and Starbuck looked up at the sky for a moment and closed her eyes, basking in the sunlight.

"Who are you?" a male voice said from behind her.

She opened her eyes and whipped around, taking out her gun as she did so. There was a bald man pointing a primitive gun at her. Next to him was an Asian man who looked at her through narrowed, suspicious eyes.

"Who are you?" replied Starbuck.

"Drop your weapon," the bald man said.

They didn't seem like too great of a threat, even weaponless, so Starbuck laid her gun at her feet, then said, "Where am I?"

The two men glanced at each other. "You're on an island in the Paficica," the bald man said. "How did you get here?"

"What do you think? There's a huge ship behind me, maybe I came from that. Gods, I haven't done anything and I'm already being interrogated."

"We've had a lot of bad experiences with strangers on this island," said the bald man. "But we won't hurt you if you're not out to hurt us."

"Fine. All I want to do is to fix my ship and get out of here."

"Out of here?" said the Asian man in a thick accent.

"Yes—what did you think, that I was here to build a summer home?" Starbuck said.

"Take me and Sun?" said the Asian man.

"Who's Sun?

"We need to talk with the others," the bald man interrupted.

"Fine, do what you want. I just need to fix my ship."

The bald man shook his head. "You don't understand. We're the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815. A lot of us have been trying to get off this island for almost ninety days now. You're our first real chance of rescue," he said.

"Oceanic Flight 815? What's that?" Starbuck shook her head. "Anyway, I couldn't fit more than maybe one or two other people on my ship. Very cramped quarters, you see."

The Asian man came up to her. "We get off now!" he said again in a thick accent Starbuck couldn't place. She shook her head again. The man bent at her feet as if to beg, but then picked up her gun. He quickly hit her with the butt of the gun and she remembered no more.

**Author's Note: Who knows what other TV show I am referencing with Starbuck's crash landing? If you know, you should be proud. So review and let me know what you think, or what show I am obviously referencing!**


End file.
